After the rain... only fog

Dear XX,

How is your trip? Hope its not as chaotic as expected?

Had a chat with Nicole today & was very surprise that she actually 'volunteer' to meet up with me should I visit HK. Felt a warmth feeling of friendliness. I should really try to do that but doubt I have the chance in the near future.

Just thought of writing to you cos you've always seems more of a mentor - caring, concern, inspirating, guiding.. lotsa attributes to look upon to. All these seems natural that I prefer to confine in you as I've always try to potrait such a role to others.. I need such a 'role model' myself..

This year hasnt been rosy & in fact I figured sometime since last year that I know you - my character or life had taken a turn. From a gradual slide to a 180 free-fall. With a finished degree, home monetary expectations suddenly & seems with no mercy - dropped on me. I was trying hard to cope the fact that every evening that I came home from work, I had to face my parents constant demand for cash/allowance. I was taking on whatever & available contract roles that earn 7/hr or 1,500 pay. Perhaps, to many low income owners, this seems a 'reasonable' pay enough to feed a small family unit but to me, I had everything to pay for myself including $xxx of insurance (I do pay premiums for my parents medical & accident coverage), all expenses & finally to pamper myself & to save. Even though @ that time, I had a boyfrd (Thomas) but I felt he was not there for me when I need to seek comfort. Moreover, he doesnt enjoy taking me out with his friends cos that means he have to pay "double". All these without warning nor realising, I think I started getting depressed & pessimistic. I turn cold on my family, shuns them whenever I could & even... got a flirt to comfort my lonely soul. My family can be deem a 'xiao kang zhi jia' - not rich not poor but happy but I never feel I could confine in any of them. They never seems to see things in 'brighter-light'. I just felt I was different. It did not help that my sis, add salt to the water, fueling 'leng yan leng yu' with my parents to extent.... I felt had dampen me - what was jovial me. Harsh fact that money can be the root/source to misery & ironically happiness as well. My mum has feed me, clothe me well. I try to understand.

Thomas(ex bf of 5yrs) has his good points too. I clearly remembers how he used to make me feel that I am worth it & that other people's inconvenience will not be @ the expense of mine. He is (was?) accomodating to my tempermental & sometimes harsh attitudes. Even after some fights, he will admit to be his mistakes even thou it might not be his! And though he is quite a miser by the fact that our inital years were still in the period of 'poor-scholars' & "society starter". I DINT MIND. Even when he rather prefer we go on Dutch & refuse the idea to pay for my shopping - I take it all down. I try to be understanding. We hardly had serious fights; tries to resolve through writing emails when we couldnt voice it... We came through these 5 years, some how, it did changed... its like after the 2nd yr after his own thriving business, I felt he was becoming bossy. Expecting. Demanding. I remembered I said to him: "Stop speaking to me in this authoritative manner, I don need you to tell me what to do. I need a bf, not a father".

The last straw was - Colin. Couple of months of lunching with him & a bunch of talk-cock frds - we clicked & uncontrollably went into a whirlwind romance that had me deciding to end with Thomas. The timing may not be the best cos I made my decision during the trip with Thomas in Dubai, which was planned last year. I did try to reconcile my feelings for Thomas but I don think it worked out, perhaps it was Colin's presence. Perhaps if not for Colin, it wont happened. Perhaps Colin was just a catalyst to what was supposelly a 'fated-reaction'. Reminds me of the song "Perhaps, perhaps.. perhaps..." - I DO had difficulty coming to this decision but let's not go into details. And I thought Colin who also a Virgo is sensible to my feelings & would be akin to a soul-mate or half clone best pal - Jenny. I really thought I had found a good shoulder.....